June 23, 1999

Hi! I'm Callan -- welcome to my little web site.

You might like to know a little about me to put all this text in context. I'm not sure that's a good idea -- I wrote all this text to put myself in context. It's the result of writing as a process of self discovery, making choices of words and though those choices, glimpsing the meaning which I hold.

I am the shadow my words cast.
Octavio Paz

If I had to tell you one thing before you read this stuff, it's that I'm funny. It's not just that I think I am funny, but coworkers and audiences who have seen me as one of The DramaQueens have shown they find me funny too. I'm not sure, though, that its obvious to others when you can't hear my voice, see my face. "You know, if people could see you when you said these outrageous things, I don't think they would panic quite so easily," said one coworker. People who know me hear my voice in these texts, but people who have never met me often find them a bit, well, dense, pompous and supercilious. I just smile and know that when people don't know a voice, they tend to read in their own voice. . .

I'm not quite sure how to tell you to get though all this text. It's not laid out in any nice linear fashion, like a hierarchical class, and I'm not sure it could be. It was around 1984 when I realized I was not a vectorhead, thinking in lines, but a netthinker, focused on nodes and connections. What delights me are connecting dots, stepping away from something, coming at it from a different angle, and seeing how it is connected to other things. This is one reason there are so many posts here which stand on their own, because they were written to take an active view of the subject being discussed rather than a reactive view.

I agree with Steven Covey when he writes "Freedom exists in the moment between stimulus and response." I believe we need to create conscious responses, not autonomic reactions, and that means questioning assumptions, unwiring old patterns and seeing things afresh.

I know material here will challenge your assumptions, things you accept as obvious. My goal, though, isn't to give final answers but to raise questions. I like the answers I have found so far, but even more I like seeing where my answers have flaws, where there is a truth, a narrative which questions my assumptions. Take me on an intellectual roller coaster ride anytime -- "Connections" with James Burke, anyone?

The other thing you can't see here is how queer I am. I may tend to tasteful suits from Rena Rowan, but even in a banker's suit, I am usually the queerest person in the room. My words and my dress may speak to quiet, conservative classicism, but my attitudes are about transformation, reinvention and questioning the status quo, even when the status quo is for individual freedom.

I believe in the role of the parent, in social order, in taking responsibility for an effective and healthy society which is a good place for kids to grow up. Freedom comes with cost, and the first cost is facing your own fears, doing your own healing, so you can interact with people from a centered place rather than from wounds and fears. We start dependent, then we claim independence in adolescence, and then as adults we have the obligation for interdependence, working together, making personal sacrifices for the good of the group when that is called for and standing boldly apart when that is called for.

There is text here. It will challenge your thinking, it will reach out and comfort you, and not necessarily in equal parts. I don't know you, what you are interested in, so I can't make choices for you, but if you have any questions or comments, drop me a line. (mail)

I'm happy to have you here. I hope you find something that makes you laugh or think or even cry on these pages, something that pushes a button inside of you and helps you understand how to take control of that response, helps point to healing a little bit.

We don't see things as they are,
we see them as we are.

Ana´s Nin

As you read these pieces, you will catch a glimpse of me in the shadows behind the words. More than that, though, you will catch a glimpse of you from how you respond to the reflection of yourself you see in my words. You will see me not just I as am, you will see me as you are.

My mission statement is something I heard Anne Bolin say at Southern Comfort 1993: "In societies where gender is rigidly bi-polar, rituals of gender transgression remind us of our continuous common humanity."

If you find some places where you are reminded of where our continuous common humanity comes together, then I'm happy to have you visit.



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